Review of The Paper Bracelet with additional commentary

 

I am reading a book called The Paper Bracelet by Rachael English. It is excellent and has stimulated quite a bit of dialogue in my home. The book delves into many unwed mothers in Ireland who were put in a home for young unwed mothers to spend their pregnancy under the tutelage of nuns. Babies were given paper bracelets for identification and then these mothers were forced to give up their babies to adoptive parents. Years later, this historical fiction story tells the tale of discovering roots between these moms and their grown children.

My stepson, Dan was adopted as a newborn. I met him when he was 18, and married his divorced adoptive father.  I saw firsthand some of the concerns around adoption, feelings children sometimes experience of questioning why they were given up, how would their live have played out if they were with their original biological mother, anger for some strange reason at their adoptive parents or at their blood mothers for their feelings of having been rejected.  It is complex. 

I was raised by my father and step-mother so though I didn’t have to deal with adoption feelings per se I did feel many of the same feelings as Dan. My biological mother had many major issues so, at the surface, wasn’t great mother material. However, there is always that lingering question, why was I left behind?, Would it have changed my life for the better if she had fought for me? How could my step mother love a child she didn’t have nor really even ask for, especially after she had children of her own.  It created negative feelings and tension for years interfering in what could have been a wonderful fulfilling relationship. Years later, meeting and forming a relationship with my real mother definitely had some worthwhile moments, especially hearing someone say I love you but there were pitfalls to that also.

All of this led me to thinking what could possibly go wrong when an adult that was adopted as a youngster searches to reconnect with their biological mother? Or women who seek to find and connect with their biological children they gave up for adoption or for other reasons left their child?

Most stories have happy endings, the reunions benefit everyone.  Nowadays most adoptions have an open contact component so it is usually less of an issue.  But of the ones that do connect a minimum of 7% do not have positive outcomes when the connection is made. This does not get talked about and should so folks , are prepared that happy ever after does not always happen.  Be knowledgeable about all potential outcomes.

To mention a few:

Raped women, in particular young girls, do not want to keep their babies conceived through non-consensual sex. There is a dark period following the attack and much time and therapy is spent for recovery. Having a child that came about as a result of said rape might not be well received by the mother as it could be a chapter she feels best left forgotten. And for the child, finding out that they were conceived  through rape means it was not a conception out of love.  Knowing that may be a hard hurdle for someone to overcome.

There is a degree of anger and disappointment towards mothers that give up their children.  This resounds with some adopted children, no matter their age. Hence, parents seeking out their child they did not raise or the reverse will inevitably lead to questions over abandonment.  These are difficult questions and take understanding from both parties. This may not be able to be achieved.   Sometimes there just aren’t good answers, or they are not the ones people want to hear.

As in the book, some people spent years searching for their adoptive parents thinking they are their ‘real parents” when the adopted parents have taken on all the responsibility and accountability for raising them.  This can be hurtful to some families and make the bond feel less secure. Also, there are times when the parent they find is deceased and then, it is as if another sense of loss is felt by the adopted adult. 

If a child is adopted and the home develops into an abusive relationship, harder feelings can formulate for the child towards their original parent.  Why did you leave me here?  And for the mother to learn this is heart wrenching as most women that give children up for adoption convince themselves their babies are going to loving nurturing homes.  This is often the case but there is no guarantee either.  When a reunion happens, some can be heartbroken to learn the truth when it was a dysfunctional homelife. 

When one of the parties, whether it is the child or the parent, becomes or is extremely wealthy and the other party is poor, there are concerns if one is going to be tasked with financially aiding the other.  What financial obligations will the parent or the adopted child expect?  What is reasonable?  That fear alone can drive some to not welcome a reunion. 

There is no right or wrong answer just issues to consider and address in advance.  This will hopefully make any type of reunion between an adopted child, their parent, and the adoption family go more smoothly and have realistic expectations attached.